Anyway, I found out that I have the nasty habit of PROCRASTINATING.

Whadda ya mean I found out?

Yeah, actually I knew it long ago eh. Or rather, I have the nasty habit of procrastinating anything that is not important to me.

For example, I always have great ideas about what to write it my blog. That great idea would probably have stemmed from a tiny every-day observation in life, and as I ponder about it more, I feel like, "Hey, maybe that would make a great blog entry!"

And then I feel so excited to write about that certain blog entry and I actually get down to it straightaway.

Anyway, the outcome is:

a) It's either I write it till late in the night when I get damn tired

or

b)I'm suddenly interupted by a phone call of sorts, and I totally forget about that entry!

When I do get back to it, I don't feel like writing it anymore.

:(

And so I will procrastinate and drag on... Blah blah blah until my 'Edit Posts' page is filled with many half-written entries, un-published.

Sometimes it's because these entries actually contain my raw, personal feelings and I don't really wish to reveal them to the whole world.

Or maybe it's because I write a terrible bitchy entry about someone when I'm pissed, and after I cool down and read it again, I do sound very much like a bitch.

*shrugs*

So all these are no-gos on my blog.

Now you know why my updates always seem to take forever?

*******

Anyway, as the title suggests, this is gonna be an emo entry.

Supposedly.

To you:

I don't know if you're reading this, and I have something to say.

I do not know if you are worth this.

Or am I just wasting my time? Precious youth spent.

Perhaps I'm someone who can't avoid this. I don't even know if I want you. Do I have a need for you?

After these few weeks of absence,
I'm starting to doubt what I think and how I feel.

Maybe it's because I didn't even feel this way in the first place. I was made to feel this way, by myself and by unnecessary circumstances.

It's funny how I can actually train my mind to think one way, unwittingly.

Then why am I still walking on a unknown path with a dead end? What am I even in search for?

After all, I do know that my pot of gold only lies behind a rainbow.

I need to find that rainbow.

Perhaps, I may reach it eventually or I may not even see it in my entire life.

Perhaps, I'm someone who can put up with many things. Or perhaps, I'm someone who is easily satisfied with the simplest things in life.

Perhaps, I'm actually someone who has really high expectations.

You know, the things you give me aren't really what I want. I don't need all that, I need what stems from the basic.

Perhaps the things I give you aren't really what you want.

Is it?

I seriously don't know.
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And I don't even wish to know.

You get what I mean?

Maybe, these 3 weeks is a sign or a revealing answer, that was actually hiding in the 'Fragile - Do Not Ponder' access in my mind all the time along.

Except I chose to see the better side of things. I should stop seeing through rose-tinted lenses. It probably isn't as glorious as I choose to see it.

You're a rational person. I believe you already saw this a long time ago.

And, you're a sincere and humble person.
I believe you will make someone very happy with what you can give.

Although it makes me happy sometimes, I'm not looking for and do not need what you can give.

I actually want, and need something else.

Perhaps my happiness was only built on the fact that what I need can stem from what you give me right now.

Except, it's not even showing. For ages.

Instead, I feel tied down and restricted to doing the things which you only want to see. I can't do anything that makes me happy, because these aren't the things you want to see.

I need to be free, and and to be myself.

I'm not an inflatable plastic doll, neither a Stepford wife.

I don't like going out with someone where it's so compressed, I would love to be able to express my energy, true feelings and emotions when I'm with someone. I love to be able to make someone laugh and to laugh with someone.
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