Automatic

Monday, July 25, 2005 @ 7:52 PM

I'm feeling down lately. Many, many things are happening at once. And they're all not too good. Firstly, I'm really troubled by what a person recently told me. I hope he doesn't read this. Don't get me wrong, he's really a nice guy and all. ARGH. It's just that I feel different towards him.

Sigh. I don't really know how to say it here.

I've had a lot of these incidents before and its starting to bother me. Then this guy came along. Lets call him Mr X. He and I had been chatting on and off in msn, but only because he added me one day to his contact list. He said he got my email from his friend's friend (?) and also told me that he was from the same kindergarten. Right. So I looked in my yearbook and I think I recognized him. Anyway, he was a nice and sweet guy who paid a lot of compliments. One day, he decided to ask me out and I agreed, not knowing what to expect next. We had a fun time, and thankfully no awkward moments unlike some incidents I have had before with other guys. He intrigued me in a way, mainly because he was friendly and very interesting. I felt comfortable being around him. We seemed to have endless stuff to talk about, and that was when he started asking questions. Suddenly it seemed more like a Q and A session. He then asked if I would like to be his girlfriend.

Seriously?

I would say yes, maybe if I knew him longer. Long enough to understand him better and of course for him to understand me. He seemed to be rushing into things like I'm gonna run away one day if he doesn't keep a strong rein on me. I didn't know what to say. So I just kept silent for a long time and then I said "No". I figured that if I said "We'll see", I would be fooling him and it's not good either way. Then I said, "Can we just be friends?" and he did sound quite disappointed.

He mumbled, "O-kay...". The kind where you stretch the o and the kay, and you make it sound really unwilling. It had an effect on me, and I felt guilty almost at once.

And of course he's not the only one who is crushed. So am I. I do feel sad, because I hate rejecting people and it's not like I want it to happen when it just comes served cold to me on a platter.

But I must say, I had a good impression of him in the first place. By asking me that question he seemed to have thrown away the trust I had in him.

Here's something I have to say if Mr X reads this. I'm sorry.

I really am sorry, and if there is anything I could do to save that warm and happy friendship that we cherished before, I would.

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