Warning: This is going to be a very shallow and reductive post written in the highly judgemental voice of yours truly. Do not proceed if you cannot take any form of heavy criticism and jokes aimed against Twilight.
. . . .
. . .
. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Twilight fans are going to bash me for this.

Truth is, I wrote a very personal commentary about Twilight about a year ago when the book first came out.

There was a Twilight wave in Singapore with almost every girl worshipping Edward Cullen aka Robert Pattinson aka R. Patzz, fondly called by Hollywood gossip columnists.

I wrote a rather long and satisfying entry about why I found Twilight not a good book worth mentioning. And hardly worthy of being called a literature text, as mentioned by some zealous Twilight enthusiasts.

Some parts of the book were pretty exaggerated and the overly-descriptive prose of Stephenie Meyer was so over-powering, it made me want to vomit. Don't get me wrong, its not that I am not imaginative.

In fact I believe that I am a highly-imaginative person.

But the line is drawn when girls start swooning at 'hot' (oh, the irony) vampires... who, believe it or not, EMIT GLITTER?


How very true.

Wtf. At the rate this is going... The next decade, monsters like Godzilla would be totally hot with rippling muscles and fart sunshine. And girls would go crazy over them.

Unfortunately, being the coward that I am, I decided not to publish my entry for fear of running into a parade of swords and barricades of those Twilight fanatics. I didn't want to risk being hauled and thrown into the pile of dead and bruised Twilight critics.

But, I must clarify that. I am not of those people who read through, say, about 12 pages of the book and found it boring, decided to call it a day and tossed it aside to write a hate article about Twilight.

In fact I clenched my teeth, endured the over-emotional and unnecessary sappyness and sat through the ENTIRE book to see if there would finally be an interesting part worth mentioning and lauding.

But sadly there were none.



Being a Harry Potter fan, I am also terribly ashamed of current comparisons of Stephenie Meyer with JK Rowling and Twilight being the next Harry Potter.

You gotta be kidding me.

Both books are entirely different, work on different premises and are based on different worlds.

ANYWAY. Coming to the main basis of my post today... There's just something about Taylor Lautner, but I can't really figure out what.

Is he that hot?!

Well, just because he's about the opposite of R Patzz. Just because Lautner isn't a miserably pale, shrivelled and weak sappling, almost every girl has been crushing on him instead of R Patzz.

But there's just something weird about Taylor Lautner. Could it be his too flat face? His huge pizza-shaped nose? His weird toothy and cheesy grin? Or is it his feminine voice?

Actually... Am I the only person who finds Taylor Lautner terribly attractive, and in fact, bordering into slightly ugly?


Best photo I can find of the Lautner guy.

Hmmm. Not bad, you say. But then actually, I prefer him with his shirt off.

Okay, wish granted. I say.


A search on Google for Taylor Lautner with no shirt produces 236,000 results.

Wowwwwwwwww.

But, hang on.

A search for Lautner with no shirt on (wth, an extra word), produces 126,000,000 results!!!!!!!


WTF. Is this Lautner guy really THAT hot?!?!

Okay, let's see!!!


Right... Rightttttttt.

Oh yes, I love him! You exclaim. I love him without his shirt on! He's so hot and buff and arggghhhhhhh!!!

Okay, give him a break, I say. He's still a teen. And seriously, I don't find him all that hot.

To me, Taylor Lautner:
Face: 0
Body: 1


TL: Awww, don't look at me like that. I know I'm cuter than the blue rubber duckie.

WHY?

Well, that's because I can find many flaws on his face. But everybody has flaws, you say.

Yeah, I know. But there is ONE flaw you surely can't miss, it stands out like a sore mistake.


Your boyfriend's boyfriend.

IT'S HIS BLOODY BIG NOSE.

It's even bigger than the rubber duckie's head. No wonder the poor duckie looks away, obviously terrified.

I believe Lautner's nose is so big it could fit a mini pizza slice.

It's so big, I think it could be an entirely different entity altogether. It should be given a name. How about Rosa?

Okay, jokes aside... Well, not that TL didn't really take any measures to save it. Just got this from another website. The blue words aren't written by me.



Hmmm, I'm sorry... I guess a nose job couldn't really save Rosa.

It still freaking looks the same. But maybe slightly upturned now, a bit like an annoying little pig's snout.


L: Photo of Lautner about 8 months ago, before he hit the gym to buff up for Twilight.
R: The 'hot' guy you see on screen 8 months later.

He really does look like your 10 year old neighbour on the left. You know, the one doing "Look ma, no hands!" stunts on his four-wheeler bike every evening.

So, tell me girls, would you still love Taylor Lautner in the before picture?

Sorry, TL, I think you will always have narrow shoulders. Its just the stature.

Isn't it scary to think he buffed up so fast in such a short amount of time. Besides, if you are really looking for muscles... what are his shoulders compared, to say, an average Joe swimmer?


Swimmer enthusiast at your local pool. Way hotter than TL's bod, yes?

Okay, now, Taylor Lautner:
Face: 0
Body: 0

This is probably the best combination I could give him.

In fact I think he has an rather awkward amount of rippling muscles for an adolescent with a small stature. Combined with his rather cheesy smile, he reminds me of a backward cousin from Southern Nebraska.


TL: I think I look awesome with this smile, don't I?

WTF?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


I know you're sucking up the fame, dude. But, really... Can't take it anymore. I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH! *barfs*

Geezzzz. What is with that cheesy junior high school prom collar?

And just to prove, I'm not the only one who finds him ugly.


Many doubts at the claims about Taylor's so-called "looks".




I clicked on the lion link.

Oh my, really tough competition with Taylor Lautner.

They both look like long-lost twins!



Okay, so the last message was written by a sixth grader.

Plus it sounded descriptive, bias and she didn't use proper punctuation.

But so? I'll bet most sixth graders in this world adore him and worship him. Just because TL stars as Jacob Black and they're in love with the character.

I'm so proud of this girl that she has finally seen the light.

Please people, stop being seduced by the nature of screen names and book characters and get to know the real actor for himself before you decide if you really like him.

I feel ashamed that Twilight has to make use of 'hot looks and good bodies' to gain more popular support because the movie already sucks itself.

Okay, end of entry. Point is, I just don't find Taylor Lautner a person worth worshipping and cannot stand to hear another girl waxing lyrical about his hot looks which are non-existent.

Oh gosh. Please stop.

PS: If you want me to post up my entry about Twilight, please do tell me. 0 Comments